Naughty! And Nice.

Naughty me. I haven't posted anything since -- gasp! -- last October. Good grief.

Well, things have been hectic, I guess, and my blog was something that was de-prioritized. Y'know. Cuz no one reads it anyway. :-P

At any rate, I've felt a need to *express myself* lately.

One thing that I've been bumping up against in my mind is how I'll handle my body image issues if I become pregnant. My partner and I have been talking about becoming parents a lot lately, and although it probably won't happen for another year or two, I have found myself fretting about it in a way that I don't want to. I'm really excited about becoming a mom, and daydream about being pregnant. (I know women who are or have been pregnant are probably laughing at me right now, but hey -- better to go into it with a positive attitude, right? :)

Then, these unwitting, not-so-fun thoughts creep into my head, like that I'm just becoming ok with the weight I'm at now (I've generally felt it's about 15 lbs heavier than I'd like to be) and enjoying that I'm the size I'm supposed to be; I'm happy and healthy and doing pretty darn good. However, those negative body urchins creep back in whenever I think about gaining weight -- like, y'know, what naturally happens with pregnancy. And I'm cool -- generally -- with the fact that, hey, I'm growing a baby, I should gain, oh, say, 10 lbs which includes baby & attendant placenta, etc., and which disappears as soon as baby's out. However, the idea of gaining 30 lbs or 40 or 50 is kinda terrifying. I've already told my partner that I don't want to see my weight when I'm pregnant, that I don't think it'd be healthy for me, because my mind would do weird stuff with it, like tell me I'm worthless and that I'm never gonna lose it and that who cares if you're growing a person, look at what the scale says, OMG!! So, yeah. Stupid shit.

I'm still working this out, because I want to love my body and trust my body and my hunger, especially when I'm pregnant, something women have been doing for centuries. Some small voice in the back of my head is still telling me I'm too large, though. That it's ok if I get a big tummy during pregnancy if I'm "all belly" and that you can distinctly tell that I'm pregnant, not just big. (Although my other strong goddess voice says, "what's wrong with that?? what's wrong with being a gorgeous, luscious, plus-size beauty who's creating a human being?? Enjoy!" Yeah!)

Have you struggled with this issue, hypothetically or in actuality? How do/did you deal with it?

--KT

Busy!

Gosh, I knew it'd been a while since I'd posted, but a month and a half?? Sheesh. I've had a lot to say, just not the time to say it. I will get there, once this craziness dies down. Thanks for hanging in there on this journey with me. I have a lot to update, I promise.

love & peace,
KT

It's been a little while since I last posted. Since then, I have taken prelims (& survived them!) and have started a new school year. I wish that I had a little more time before school started to process prelims. This is a huge deal, and a big accomplishment -- and I feel like I did really well, that I was prepared. I am proud of myself and all of the hard work I did. It was not an easy task for me to do; my anxiety reared it's head powerfully many times, and I had to talk it down & keep going. And I did. Whew.

Now I'm back in school, and wow, am I ever ready to be done with this adventure. I had this feeling my senior year of undergrad, too. This was nice, I learned a lot and it gave me so much in terms of perspective, life learning, and knowledge, and I'm ready to move on. I absolutely hate the transition that comes with being back to school. So much hits me at once, it's hard to stay balanced. But I will try. And when I hear that little voice of Ed saying, "hey, chica. you've had a hard day, eat a little something sweet. sit, watch t.v. and take out that half gallon of rocky road."

[I consult my body]"...But I'm not hungry. I had lunch an hour ago."

"It's been a long day. You're tired. You deserve to relax--"

"You're right. I do deserve to relax. So, why don't I relax? There's lots of things I could do. I could read, I could even draw myself a bath, I could play a little video games, I could play guitar, I could do some gentle yoga or snuggle with my partner..."

[Grumbling] "Yeah, but all of those things take work. Effort. You look wiped! Just do what comes naturally."

"Well, it's true that grabbing ice cream and watching TV is a habit, so in some ways it does feel easier. And you are right. I am wiped, and it's good to acknowledge that. I need to zone out for a while. But I'm not hungry, and after I watch TV and eat I just feel overly full and still wiped out and then also anxious and strange because I overrided my body and then you tell me I did something bad by eating. When you told me to do so in the first place. What the hell's up with that??"

"Don't stress baby, it's all good."

"No, I'm on to you. And I'm not stressing. I'm ignoring you because you're dumb and an asshole and change your mind all the time. You tell me what to do and then insult me & make me feel like a worthless piece of crap for doing it. I have a lot of better things to do with my time."

"Like play video games?? That's such a waste of time. You're such a lazy loser."

"Mhm. And sitting around for 4 hours watching bad tv and eating ice cream and peanut butter is productive and cool? If I have my choice -- which, incidentally, I do -- I'll take playing video games for 2 hours instead. I'll actually waste less time and enjoy myself more & be more relaxed and calm afterward."

"But don't you want to be *doing* something instead of sitting around being lazy?"

"The only difference is that I'm so zoned out of my freaking mind when I'm watching tv & eating, & so disconnected from myself that I'm not self-conscious about relaxing, which is something I need daily. Instead, I'll give myself permission to do whatever I want to relax. I'll take that time, and take care of myself."

"But it's such a waste of time!!!"

"It is either way. The only difference is that I give myself permission to watch tv & eat. it's the one way you've told me i can relax and calm and soothe myself. And it is important to calm & soothe myself, that's something I want to do and deserve daily. And I want to do it effectively. And I'm learning to. I give myself permission to read or take a lazy bath or go for a slow swim, walk or yoga (w/o worrying about burning calories), talk to a friend, snuggle, lay down, listen to soothing, rich, creamy music, breathe peace & be peace. Adios, Ed. Go comfort yourself by eating ice cream & watching TV, see how it suits you."

kickin' him to the curb,
KT

helado en tazon

Hola a todos:

!un anuncio muy feliz! Pues, para mi lo es. / A very exciting announcement -- well, at least for me.

Yesterday I ate ice cream out of a bowl for the first time in a loooong time. Years. (Well, if you don't count having it at restaurants). Usually I just eat it out of the carton, in front of the TV, zoning like I don't want to admit to myself that I'm actually eating ice cream. But yesterday, I really wanted some ice cream, just a little bit, so I dusted off my ice cream scoop and had myself a bowl. And sat down and enjoyed it, without any distractions. And you know? It tasted ever so sweet. :)

----

Also, I've been doing a great job of eating at the table and saying a prayer of thanks and acknowledgement for the food I'm enjoying. This is one thing that I have found really helps me to be conscious of what I am eating, how I feel when I am eating, when I'm getting full, if this is what I really want, etc. I feel more fulfilled afterward, too. This is very hard for me to do, I feel like I'm trying to pin down a small child, I resist it so much, for who knows what reason. When I am able, though, I feel so good. And so, I work at it, becoming more comfortable, working through the resistance, sorting through what I think will make me feel better in the moment and what is habit (i.e., eating a gallon of ice cream and a block of cheese in front of a DVD of CSI) and what truly gives me lasting pleasure and peace. This is difficult, because the food-TV combo is so intuitive, such a knee-jerk habit. I feel like this is me, how can I change this? I almost feel like I would be losing something, some essential comfort. But I am not losing comfort; I am gaining something that fits me better, that is truer, that is deeply comforting and safe-feeling. I am giving up the blanket I have outgrown. It is a soft blanket, well-worn and well-loved, and it is hard to give up, but it is no longer useful. So, I let go of it a little at a time, first, just loosening my grasp, just a little, then maybe letting it go for a second, then grabbing it back again. There is another comforter, soft, warm, made of down and the softest flannel, and it suits me now, better than the old blanket. I have to let go of the old blanket to grab the new. I am uncertain yet whether this new blanket can truly hold me and comfort me, and I don't know all of its contours yet. So I spend a second with it, then maybe a minute, and I learn a little more, trust a little more. I will have patience with myself. I know I will get there. I will get stronger and be able to reach and grasp better to my new self, my new comforter, and if I need to come back to my old blanket for a little while, I will, and tomorrow, or later in the day, I will try again. >breathe< I will get there.

Love,
KT

Sensing My Self

Well, I am back from a week in New Orleans at the 2006 APA Conference. It was a nice break from my life in grad school, and studying for comps, etc. Now I'm back and it seems like there is more work than ever, but I am grateful for that break.

I am always a little more self-conscious when I am around people I don't know and in unfamiliar surroundings, and APA offered both challenges. I really struggled with my appearance those five days. I can look back now and say, gosh, I was nervous. It was really difficult, though, when I was in the moment to believe that. Instead, I missed a session because my hair looked TERRIBLE (not really, but I wasn't really being rational), obsessed over every mirror, tinted window, general reflective surface. It made my experience there a less pleasant one, although there were significant portions of time where I was able to absorb myself in the moment, and just focus on my experience and what I was taking in and sensing, rather than what I looked like.

While I was there, I was able to pick up a great book (on sale!) called Sensing the Self: Women's Recovery from Bulimia by Sheila Reindl. Although bulimia is not the particular eating disorder I struggle with, I have found a lot of what she has to say so far relevant to many different eating struggles. Although I am only a couple of chapters in, I have already learned a lot. I like her focus on recovery -- all the women she interviews for the book have made a successful recovery, which is a great reminder that, hey, you can really get better! Also, she focuses on sensing one's self -- one's being, as well as the information one gets in from the senses, as a way of healing. Rather than focusing on an external barometer -- what others may think, a comment a parent made once, what magazines say you should look like -- one switches to focusing on an internal compass: what you feel, what you like, what feels good and enjoyable and what is right for you. And so, in my moments when I am most anxious and most focused on what I ate or didn't or might eat, or what I weight or what fits me or doesn't, I will take a moment, and breathe, and feel the air in my lungs, the sun on my face, the leaves fluttering in the wind above me, and the ground beneath my feet, and know that really, all is right with the world, and I am okay.

-----

PS: Dooce has a fabulous new article up on alphamom about postpartum depression in women you should check out.

Big Fat Facts

Just found this great website

Some snippets:
>>After the 1998 NIH report, suddenly tens of millions of Americans became "obese" even though they had not gained a pound. Shifting the BMI down two points helped turned obesity into moral panic.

>>95% of people who diet to lose weight put it back on within two to three years.
They go on to state more research, including the work of David Garner and Susan Wooley, who stated:
>>...there is no "scientific justification for the continued use of dietary treatments of obesity. . . . Most participants regain the weight lost."

That's what I'm talkin' about! You may also want to check out this wonderful book, Big Fat Lies: The Truth about Your Weight and Your Health by Glenn A. Gaesser, M.D. (a skinny guy!) Also, I highly recomment Fat?So! by Marilyn Wann. A fabulous, fun, important book.

By debunking the myths about people of size, we can go beyond painful, destructive stereotypes and actually work on improving people's health, whatever their size may be, and regardless of whether they lose weight or not.

--KT

A Disclaimer

I just realized two things: (a) I'm a psychologist (or at least one in training), and (b) this is a website about psychology-related things. WOW! :-)

Here's the scoop with that, though -- although these two things appear to be related, and certainly, my background in psychology will affect my posts, my writings are about my own personal experience. While you may feel free to use whatever is helpful to you on this site (& I hope you will!), this site is not a forum or substitute for professional psychological advice. I am not in the role of a psychologist here, and am not offering my professional expertise. It should not be construed as a substitute for counseling or therapy. If you do suspect that you may be experiencing an eating disorder, please consult a professional therapist who can help you work through your challenges with eating and food. You are worth it.

Some links, etc.

Hi, all:

Just taking a quick break from studying (ah, comprehensive exams, how I love thee), but thought I'd do a quick post.

This site has some really interesting things to say about treating one's eating disorder as if it were a relationship with a person -- e.g., as an abusive partner. Check out the "ED's Bio" & "Live without ED" links at the top. The concept they discuss is an interesting one, and one I'd heard before but not really grasped. It sounds a little like hooey at first, but it makes sense. Part of having disordered eating is generally low self-esteem & loads of self-criticism. It is very easy for me to get mad at myself for failing to do something that would be good for me & help my recovery (e.g., not eating in front of the TV), and then to feel worse. Having an eating disorder is having a disease, a potentially life-threatening, and definitely acutely painful disease. It is not about not having will-power or anything like that. In viewing one's eating disorder as a person, one may be able to separate one's sense of self from the abuse/perfectionism/criticism that comes with the disease. Disordered eating, which may be less severe, may still come with it's own painful criticism, and may also benefit from this viewpoint. I've been practicing viewing my thoughts about negative body image -- how I "should" look, what others are "probably" thinking about me, etc. -- as a separate person, "Ed", who is mean and abusive and wrong, and whom I am firing. Goodbye, Ed.

I just discovered this site, the blog site for Bitch magazine, as well. It is full of interesting links, thoughts, & analyses, and offers important information that isn't making it into the news, but should be. Very powerful.

--KT