It's been a little while since I last posted. Since then, I have taken prelims (& survived them!) and have started a new school year. I wish that I had a little more time before school started to process prelims. This is a huge deal, and a big accomplishment -- and I feel like I did really well, that I was prepared. I am proud of myself and all of the hard work I did. It was not an easy task for me to do; my anxiety reared it's head powerfully many times, and I had to talk it down & keep going. And I did. Whew.

Now I'm back in school, and wow, am I ever ready to be done with this adventure. I had this feeling my senior year of undergrad, too. This was nice, I learned a lot and it gave me so much in terms of perspective, life learning, and knowledge, and I'm ready to move on. I absolutely hate the transition that comes with being back to school. So much hits me at once, it's hard to stay balanced. But I will try. And when I hear that little voice of Ed saying, "hey, chica. you've had a hard day, eat a little something sweet. sit, watch t.v. and take out that half gallon of rocky road."

[I consult my body]"...But I'm not hungry. I had lunch an hour ago."

"It's been a long day. You're tired. You deserve to relax--"

"You're right. I do deserve to relax. So, why don't I relax? There's lots of things I could do. I could read, I could even draw myself a bath, I could play a little video games, I could play guitar, I could do some gentle yoga or snuggle with my partner..."

[Grumbling] "Yeah, but all of those things take work. Effort. You look wiped! Just do what comes naturally."

"Well, it's true that grabbing ice cream and watching TV is a habit, so in some ways it does feel easier. And you are right. I am wiped, and it's good to acknowledge that. I need to zone out for a while. But I'm not hungry, and after I watch TV and eat I just feel overly full and still wiped out and then also anxious and strange because I overrided my body and then you tell me I did something bad by eating. When you told me to do so in the first place. What the hell's up with that??"

"Don't stress baby, it's all good."

"No, I'm on to you. And I'm not stressing. I'm ignoring you because you're dumb and an asshole and change your mind all the time. You tell me what to do and then insult me & make me feel like a worthless piece of crap for doing it. I have a lot of better things to do with my time."

"Like play video games?? That's such a waste of time. You're such a lazy loser."

"Mhm. And sitting around for 4 hours watching bad tv and eating ice cream and peanut butter is productive and cool? If I have my choice -- which, incidentally, I do -- I'll take playing video games for 2 hours instead. I'll actually waste less time and enjoy myself more & be more relaxed and calm afterward."

"But don't you want to be *doing* something instead of sitting around being lazy?"

"The only difference is that I'm so zoned out of my freaking mind when I'm watching tv & eating, & so disconnected from myself that I'm not self-conscious about relaxing, which is something I need daily. Instead, I'll give myself permission to do whatever I want to relax. I'll take that time, and take care of myself."

"But it's such a waste of time!!!"

"It is either way. The only difference is that I give myself permission to watch tv & eat. it's the one way you've told me i can relax and calm and soothe myself. And it is important to calm & soothe myself, that's something I want to do and deserve daily. And I want to do it effectively. And I'm learning to. I give myself permission to read or take a lazy bath or go for a slow swim, walk or yoga (w/o worrying about burning calories), talk to a friend, snuggle, lay down, listen to soothing, rich, creamy music, breathe peace & be peace. Adios, Ed. Go comfort yourself by eating ice cream & watching TV, see how it suits you."

kickin' him to the curb,
KT