Naughty! And Nice.

Naughty me. I haven't posted anything since -- gasp! -- last October. Good grief.

Well, things have been hectic, I guess, and my blog was something that was de-prioritized. Y'know. Cuz no one reads it anyway. :-P

At any rate, I've felt a need to *express myself* lately.

One thing that I've been bumping up against in my mind is how I'll handle my body image issues if I become pregnant. My partner and I have been talking about becoming parents a lot lately, and although it probably won't happen for another year or two, I have found myself fretting about it in a way that I don't want to. I'm really excited about becoming a mom, and daydream about being pregnant. (I know women who are or have been pregnant are probably laughing at me right now, but hey -- better to go into it with a positive attitude, right? :)

Then, these unwitting, not-so-fun thoughts creep into my head, like that I'm just becoming ok with the weight I'm at now (I've generally felt it's about 15 lbs heavier than I'd like to be) and enjoying that I'm the size I'm supposed to be; I'm happy and healthy and doing pretty darn good. However, those negative body urchins creep back in whenever I think about gaining weight -- like, y'know, what naturally happens with pregnancy. And I'm cool -- generally -- with the fact that, hey, I'm growing a baby, I should gain, oh, say, 10 lbs which includes baby & attendant placenta, etc., and which disappears as soon as baby's out. However, the idea of gaining 30 lbs or 40 or 50 is kinda terrifying. I've already told my partner that I don't want to see my weight when I'm pregnant, that I don't think it'd be healthy for me, because my mind would do weird stuff with it, like tell me I'm worthless and that I'm never gonna lose it and that who cares if you're growing a person, look at what the scale says, OMG!! So, yeah. Stupid shit.

I'm still working this out, because I want to love my body and trust my body and my hunger, especially when I'm pregnant, something women have been doing for centuries. Some small voice in the back of my head is still telling me I'm too large, though. That it's ok if I get a big tummy during pregnancy if I'm "all belly" and that you can distinctly tell that I'm pregnant, not just big. (Although my other strong goddess voice says, "what's wrong with that?? what's wrong with being a gorgeous, luscious, plus-size beauty who's creating a human being?? Enjoy!" Yeah!)

Have you struggled with this issue, hypothetically or in actuality? How do/did you deal with it?

--KT